Play

Mar 7

Grow Back Down Again: Reclaiming Play in Adulthood

At some point, adulthood demands a shift. Responsibilities pile up, and life asks for a more serious version of ourselves. Without realising it, we may drift away from play - lightness, curiosity, and spontaneity – sometimes even from joy itself. Some of us may have felt cut off from play even in childhood, shaped by expectations or pressures that made joy feel distant.

There’s a heartwarming moment in Mamma Mia when Donna's friend asks, "What happened to you?" Donna sighs and replies, "I grew up!" To which her friend shoots back, "Well, grow back down again!"

And maybe that’s exactly what we need - a reminder to return to something we never should have left behind.

Because play isn’t just about fun. It’s one of the most important tools for connection - with ourselves, with others, and with the world around us. When we diminish it as frivolous or childish, we deny ourselves a direct path to joy, creativity, and emotional depth. Play invites us into the present moment, into laughter, curiosity, lightness, and appreciation.

And appreciation is what keeps both life and love from becoming things we take for granted.

A Second Childhood - On Your Terms

As adults, we have a unique opportunity: we can reclaim aspects of childhood, but this time, on our own terms. Childhood often comes with little control, but now we hold the reins. Reconnecting with play isn’t just about healing old wounds; it’s about realising we have the power to create fairness, safety, and joy for ourselves.

This is the heart of inner child work – not just looking back, but moving forward with more freedom, allowing us to give ourselves permission to rest without guilt, to speak up for our needs, and, importantly, to connect with ourselves and others through play.

When we play, we access a part of us that isn’t weighed down by responsibility or self-doubt. Donald Winnicott, a leading psychoanalyst, believed play is where the “true self” emerges - a space where we can explore, create meaning, and experiment with identity. Carl Jung saw play as essential to wholeness, saying “It is in playing and only in playing that the individual is able to be creative and use the whole personality.” Even Nietzche spoke of returning to a childlike state – not as immaturity, but as a form of self-overcoming.

So, what might your younger self be longing for you to rediscover?

Play: A Pathway to Deeper Connection

In the grind of adulthood, play reminds us that life isn’t just about being productive or managing responsibilities. It’s about presence. And it doesn’t just affect our well-being – it profoundly impacts our relationships.

When we play with a significant other, we’re not just enjoying the moment. Play doesn’t just offer us moments of joy; it strengthens trust, communication, and emotional safety in relationships. These small, everyday moments of joy aren't just ‘nice to have’; they are essential for long-term relational health. Play diffuses tension, builds shared meaning, and helps us evolve together.

In fact, research on romantic relationships suggests that 69% of relationship problems are perpetual – they won’t ever be fully solved. What matters isn’t resolving every issue, but how we navigate them. Play can function as a counterbalance, offering levity in difficult moments and helping couples bounce back from conflict more easily.

The reprieve it can offer from tension and stress, allows couples to reset and reconnect emotionally. It also functions as an emotional glue – bonding in a way that helps couples' weather inevitable rough patches. Not only does resilience come from a bank of shared positive experiences, but also through play having fostered a shared practice of emotional flexibility, creativity, and trust. This in turn, helps couples approach problems with a sense of humour, a willingness to experiment, and an openness to cooperation, allowing them to bounce back from conflict faster and stronger.

When we lose touch with play, we often become more rigid and weighed down by intensity. We can find ourselves stuck in habitual, defensive ways of relating. Play reminds us to look with fresh eyes - to stop seeing a relationship as a set of problems to fix and instead as someone to enjoy, laugh with, and be curious about.

From Control to Presence: The Freedom of Play

Play isn’t just fun - it’s freedom. It helps us trade control for trust. When we engage in play, we stop focusing on how we think things should be and instead connect with what is.

Research consistently shows that play boosts emotional well-being because it promotes neuroplasticity – it helps the brain form new pathways. These support problem-solving through creative thinking and enhanced emotional recognition and communication. They also improve stress management and allow for deeper self-exploration. Play broadens our awareness and opens us to growth.

This is especially transformative in relationships (all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones!). So often, we try to work on connection – analysing problems, striving for depth, overthinking. But deep connection often happens when we stop trying so hard to create it.

Play shifts the focus from fixing the relationship to simply living it. Instead of asking, “How do we solve this?”, it asks, "How can we connect?” It moves us from scarcity (What’s missing?) to presence (What’s here?).

And while play can involve games, it’s not about winning. It’s about engaging with life -and with each other - in a way that feels expansive rather than restrictive.

The Attachment Science of Play

To play is to allow ourselves be seen and accepted. Through regular, playful interactions, we build trust and expand our comfort with vulnerability – without even realising we’re doing it. We create space for authentic connection, tap into joy, and have repeated experiences of feeling safe in an exposure of ourselves. Through this there is the potential to expand our sense of trust and emotional safety – and emotional safety is the crux of insecure attachment wounds (anxious and avoidant) which have roots in a subconscious relational need to control, to be protective, and guarded.

For those with attachment wounds, play acts as a kind of ‘incremental vulnerability cheat code’, lowering defences and encouraging authentic expression. Humour and play invite us to share more easily, fostering emotional intimacy. When partners engage in playful activities, they create moments of emotional ease, reinforcing the message that You are safe with me. I see you and I enjoy you.

Attachment theory teaches us that safe relationships thrive on consistency, trust, and attunement. Play helps partners co-regulate – subtly adjusting to each other’s emotional states, build empathy, and deepen their sense of relational security. Over time, the ease and emotional depth developed through play has the potential to ripple outward, making even difficult conversations feel less confrontational.

Play isn’t just a way to enjoy relationships. It’s a way to strengthen them.

Playdates vs. Date Nights

Traditional ‘date nights’ can be wonderful for romantic gestures, but they sometimes feel like just another item on a to-do list. Structured, expected, and occasionally pressured, the idea that they should automatically foster connection can make the moment feel less genuine.

Playdates, on the other hand, don’t require perfection. They have no agenda other than fun. They arise spontaneously, in moments of laughter, or when you rediscover ease with each other. No grand plans necessary – just something that invites lightness in.

Maybe it’s playing a game with a twist, like ‘Personality Guess Who’, where instead of the usual questions about physical traits, you ask quirky questions that reflect how well you know each other’s thoughts. Guessing their response to something like, “Would your character queue up for the opening of a new chicken shop?” becomes its own playful challenge. Or it’s unexpected silliness, like betting on who can find a bottle of water first at a petrol station, or spot the weirdest item in TKMaxx - turning mundane activities into fun little competitions. It’s putting on a favourite song and dancing your partner around the living room. It’s sharing a childhood snack you loved, letting your partner in on the story of how you were convinced eating too many would turn you blue, laughing together as you share moments that make you comically cringe, but also reveal parts of who you are. And then, there’s the simple yet intimate act of leaving a little surprise, like slipping a note into your partner’s jacket pocket - something you think will make them smile when they find it hours later.

These moments aren’t elaborate or planned – they are just about creating and sharing joy. It’s often these small moments, not the big romantic gestures, that sustain and deepen the bond between you.

Far from Immaturity, Play is Emotional Maturity

Play really is a lifelong necessity – not just a childhood pastime. And there’s something beautiful and transforming in recognising that its lightness is not lost to us. Consider it vital because it softens the rigid structures of who we think we should be, making space for presence, curiosity, and experimentation. It serves throughout our lives as self-care and as a powerful tool for connection. It helps us to rediscover and maintain our sense of joy and wonder – our sense of aliveness.

It’s not about escaping adulthood; it’s about embracing a fuller, more flexible life that nourishes emotional well-being, creativity, and resilience. Knowing when to be serious and when to play is a sign of wisdom, not immaturity.

I wasn’t expecting to quote Willy Wonka today, but in amongst his rather unconventional approach to life (and his questionable risk assessments), he sagely understood that “A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

On that note, I will leave you. It’s time for me to shake of the day’s stresses and defy the monotony of chores by karaoke-ing my way through a kitchen tidy-up.

”...I can almost see it, that dream I’m dreaming (of a clean kitchen!), but there’s a voice inside my head saying you’ll never reach it ...always gonna be another mountain (of washing up!) always gonna wanna make it mooove...”

Lucy Thornby https://www.lucythornby.com